moments to share, moments to care

next task - pay attention to situations where serenity is telling one thing, yet i still do differently.

this was world changing.
it took me 2 hours to get to the first very, very plainly obvious example.
observing and listening to serenity helped me become calmer, patient, avoid anger outbreaks when something goes wrong.

simplest example - don't put a coffee cup on the couch (even if it is for 10 seconds until fetching the tv remote) when one can put it on the table.
the cup falling will only cause anger, spoiled couch and annoyance.

i'm following serenity.
it takes me to the path of peace, patience and steadiness.

every day understand and point out things that i am powerless of. things i cannot control.

this brought me closer to the serenity prayer.

at first it seemed plain, i cannot control other people, environment, and my own emotions. it became a lot more interesting when this became a practical task.
i realized there is no need for disappointment, anger, sadness, because a lot of things - a friend being late, a colleague being sloppy, a long line at the store, dog having pooped on the floor, me being in a bad mood after waking up - all of them were outside my control so there was no need for expressing the unpleasant feelings i might feel about these things.

sometimes i was powerless of my dysfunctional thinking. sometimes i was powerless of my disposition to alcohol, food, cigarettes, emotional addiction - however i could control my actions and how i behave, if i give in to these temptations or not.

i learned not to force, control, restrict myself. i'm rather feeling to what my body wants and why....

revelations continue.

my life is living my mother's dream, fulfilling her goals in order to be loved.
i didn't want the bachelor's, didn't strive for the master's. didn't strive for the property. didn't strive for any of it.

but this necessity to please her fantasy of me (which was never good enough) kept spreading. i started pleasing other people - my partners at the time, society. and hating them for having to do so although no one ever required anything from me. aside from my mother.

now i live m own life. make my own choices. and there is a lot to choose from.

this is a magical time. to understand what i truly want, who i am, who i want to be.
i'm not rushing to let go everything i have, first i want to understand what things i truly like and what are in my life as a projection of the dysfunctional childhood.

i am also so blessed with my man who is there for me.
for the first time, i'm not expecting anything from my partner, not waiting for him to "save me" or tell me what to do. i'm...

since i can remember myself, i've been at war with myself.
mind has been active 24/7, analyzing, overthinking, preparing for attacks, seeking for potential dangers.
i didn't allow myself to feel true emotions, in fear they weren't as they are "supposed to be". my mind controlled who was i allowed to be, how to feel, what to think, and punish myself heavily if it didn't match the expectations.

it is over now.
the danger has ended. my mind can finally rest.
feelings can float freely.

and there is no such thing as wrong feelings.

although this year started off weirdly and continued with some insanity as a stinky burp from the previous year, what followed has been life changing.

- i got help. i met someone who helped me realize i'm an alcoholic. i got treatment, help and support, and i am sober. i'm attending aa meetings, where i discovered the most wonderful, honest and greatest people i've met in a long time.

- i also realized i am a person who comes from a dysfunctional family. my life is often lead by fear, manipulations, seeking excitement and dangerous situations. i fear angry people, live in guilt, am way too critical of myself and others, seek for approval and live life from the victim's point on view. therapy never helped and never would help - since i kept seeking the parents whose love i missed so much - therefore a therapist would only fill the role of my imaginary caring parent. but i found help for that as well.

- i admitted i have bulimia mixing with other eating disorder. i got help for that.

- finally i...

in most cases, a woman will be stronger than a man.
she will be more responsible, more mature, more disciplined and emotionally free.

a woman should never expect a man to be stronger than her.
she should never await a man to "save" her.
she will rather warmly smile when her man acts as a boy, accept his flaws, weaknesses and cherish him for all the respectful, amazing, and admirable traits he possesses.

a woman is the keeper of the family.
the roots of the home.

the woman.

i'm starting to recognize myself.

it took me 4 therapists, one of which told me that drinking is ok and taking drugs is ok.
it took me 31 years.
and it took me a caring ex who brought me to the best advice giver i've had over a very long time.

love yourself with the kind of love you wish others gave you.
treat yourself the way you wish to be treated.
take responsibility for your life.
have healthy relationships.
draw boundaries.
take "timeout" when you feel things are not completely right.

and praise yourself for the things you do well.

love yourself.