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moments to share, moments to care

.. to be back. cuz i feel like i'm back. at least i am joyful again. a lot of work and a lot of studies, but i have my joy back :)
good for me.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-09

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so i am still in this vague mist, but it seems i am doing progress in getting out of it which really makes me glad. i cannot be without my joy, childishness, faith and all that. also, i am spending quite a lot of time with either things that take my breath away, as in, i play a lot of viola and i can really see the improvement. and i spend time with people who know me as the hilarious, care-free, positive person which helps me to get out of it.
i also write down the benefits of being single. i look for them, because most likely at the moment i take them as granted. that helps me to get out of the loneliness as well.
so it is doing quite well.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-04

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i have been depressed over the past week or two. i haven't felt any rays of joy, happiness or any of that. i haven't felt like writing. or doing anything. just sleeping. the weather has been dull and shity, pulling me into the grey mist. but i feel like i'm slowly getting out of it. sometimes it is about meeting the right people. sometimes it is about cleaning your room, not only because you get rid of a lot of unnecessary things but also because it is a gesture of giving it a fresh start. sometimes it is about getting pancakes for breakfast. sometimes it is about hanging out with different people. or seeing different things. doing different things. being different. forgetting the usual environment. i can do it.

and btw, i miss snow.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-01

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dear friend,

you might watch me in perplexity of why am i chasing or longing for smth pointless or worthless. why i don't take a breath and just look around and starting to notice the true values. you might feel forgotten or pushed aside. but you ain't. i am not blind, nor am i careless. your obvious falling into oblivion, even if denied, is scaring me. as if you were just watching everything fall apart and wondering if anyone will notice although it ain't attention you're after.

i don't know how to handle it and if i even should try to. now i simply feel like giving you time and space to deal with whatever it is you're dealing with. just know that i am there for you in a need. i am your friend despite the weirdness of our friendship.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-27

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this phrase used to be just words to me. i was trying to understand it and i was living the illusion that i understood it until i experienced the same thing but the other way round.
so i made a huge mistake, something very dumb like a month ago or so. and at that time a newly met friend told me that now he knew i could even do things like this. so what? it doesn't change the fact that i am amazing etc. etc.
a few days ago i talked to a guy. he can be very revengeful, spontaneous, aggressive, although personally i haven't experienced any of it, only rumors or his own stories. and then i realized - i'm afraid of him. however hard he'd try to convince me, i would still know that he can play tricks like that - be aggressive etc. and as far as i can think of, nothing can change this reality or my attitude towards him, unless he would change his attitude and become calm and never hurt anyone, even if it is for the sake of a principle.

i am aggressive.
i was aggressive.
i hope.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-26

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that's what i gotta do. somehow i was blinded by the beautiful idea as such. and now when we are closer than ever we also have the biggest gap between us ever. it is just two different levels. amazing. a little pathetic. mostly just weird. like somehow you see everything in a different light and that sight is both satisfying and sad.

by far, this winter is beautiful.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-24

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it is snowy all around and i have this incredible peace in me. i am no longer afraid to be single/alone. i am in peace with myself. at the same time i feel changes withing my personality, so i am still developing. just being a happy happy person. appreciating everything i got.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-23

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my life pretty much has turned back to normal. which i appreciate. actually i've learned to appreciate a lot of things. my friends, foremost. they are my allies, my strong wall to hide from wind. they are the bridge over the gorge of desperation. and one thing i can promise myself - i will try to be a better friend for them, cuz they sure as hell deserve it.
then, i still appreciate music in my life. there have been morning when i wake up and amazingly feel the urge NOT to listen to my player cuz it felt like i've heard every single song already. silence has been the best music for at that time. silence and raindrops that pull me into the infinity of longing for something beyond.
i want to compose. i'd love to put down how i feel but in music. but i ain't good enough for that yet. i wanna touch peoples hearts. and play the strings of their souls. switch off their minds and give in for feelings. disappear and let sounds wrap you in so tight that you're catching for a breath. a deep one.
atm i can only keep...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-20

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