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moments to share, moments to care

just like I assumed, I have kept thinking about my classmate. Why, how, what? And if there is a way back. when my personal feelings/emotions were finally set aside, the picture was way clearer. first of all: the reasons why he changed were quite clear from the beginning: the environment. if he has to fight for his life on daily basis, that hardens. plus if there are no sincere people around him, there is no one to look up to.

but here is the key that i had not noticed: he cares. and by caring i don't mean cute and cuddly how-are-you thingy. i mean that he is not nonchalant. yes, there is anger, revenge, humiliation, disappointment, frustration. but there ain't a tiny bit of nonchalance. while there are emotions - positive or negative - he is still on the right path. he is still a human being. while he calls his ex a whore, there is still a chance, however absurd it sounds.

the end will come when he will be able to put aside the insults and plan his revenge with no emotions involved. when he will be...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-30

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once upon a time there was a classmate of mine. a nice guy. kind, naive, but warm hearted, funny and always there to help out.
i met him yesterday. he wasn't the same.
cold hearted, mean, revengeful, self rightious. i would have never guessed.
according to him, he will go over dead bodies to reach his goal. his ex is a whore and there is no such a thing as true friendship. damn! i wonder how much shit he has taken during the past 3-4 years that have made him like this. and i truly feel sorry for him. he was one fo the rare guys in my class that had the potential to remain the kindest and nicest person throughout the lifetime. like however deep shit i was i could still call him and talk to him.
but now..

i still cannot believe it. he thinks that now he finally has a backbone. knows how to manipulate people. will hit twice as hard back if being hit.

i am truly sorry. apparently he has had a lack of sincere people around him and that has toughened him. i still believe has has a way back to become...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-28

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this apartment that i used to call the Lap of the Abraham was fixed and for now i feel good here. what has changed? i always associated this place with all my terrible childhood memories and set them as the reason i felt uncomfortable here. never wanted to stay longer than just for the laundry or cup of coffee.
few days ago i finally had the time and the urge to fix up the place. put up all the furniture, unpack boxes of hidden treasure, clean the dusty dark corners and yes, suddenly and miraculously it feels like home here. i have even given up on my student dorm for the rest of the year. the only things i still miss are my viola and speakers and the former is gonna arrive soon.

i look around and all this furniture and tiny thingies remind me of the incredible time i spent with my good ol' creator D.A.D. :) it reminds me of the evenings he played "freecell". the nights when i fell asleep by him playing the organ or guitar in the room next to mine. the dog who used to lick my carpet, gosh how i hated...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-26

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christamas eve rocked. if i ever write a book, the person i was by is going to be one of the characters. i love my life. i loved christmas, i got more than i could ever ask for. i am in peace with myself and everything is just perfect.

new year resolutions:
stop listening and interacting unless it is really worth it
stop screwing with ppls (read: guys') heads
stop being aggressive

care less and sleep more

next year's activities:
long holidays
trip to sweden
trip to norway
trip to freaking f**king greece
trip to coldplay's
4th and final bachelor year starting

how bad can this be? freaking awesome.
love my life.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-25

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regeneration takes more time an energy than i calculated first. im still tired and can't wait for the christmas rush to end. i feel awesome in my student dorm, it has really become my home. a few big things have happened into my weird twisted mind.
so first of all: i have let several ppl damage my life over a period of time. by comparing mine with theirs. by letting them correct me and by letting them look down on me. i have been amazingly blind and trusting the wrong ppl - ppl who arent really interested in my well being, just in their own awesomeness. so im dont with that. at least one person.

second. i met some very nice ppl this weekend. made me realize i aint that awesome :) but made me realize the things i can still learn, which is good. learning is good. development is good.

soulmate. i think i have one. pretty sure. but it is complicated. my fave tv series says: if it's not complicated, he probably isn't a soulmate.
painfully true.

i'm going to coldplay in 22nd of august.
my life...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-23

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after a very wonderful night. and my 2 weeks i-wanna-kill-myself week where i had to do way more than i can manage (thanks to supporting ppl for coffee, sandwiches, backrubs, homeworks and interactive help in my studies, i wouln't have managed it without you).

last night i fulfilled a rather big dream, although when it came to realising it, i was neither nervous, nor over excited. i was like very confident about all that thing, just that i had to play in the dark which kinda sucked. anyway, dream come true, grats for me and thanks to Chris and Anne, i'm still amazed by your magical ability somehow control your instruments.

what concerns the rest of the dance night - i was enjoying myself. danced with almost everyone i had planned to, Chris got away :)

i'm still sleepy, but content. just a term paper and 4 lectures away from total freedom. love the thought of it :)

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-19

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so here it comes. he asked me out. not on a date, just for tea to spend an hour, so we woulnd't have to wait purposelessly before the rehearsal started. i agreed, cuz i like him. he's really cool. i know he used to be into me and he still seems to though he has a gf (never stopped me before). but i respect him and his beloved and tbh i am simply not interested in. maybe a tiny bit.
but then someone asked me what was i doing while waiting. and i couldn't tell the truth. i couln't tell that i was going out with him for a cup of tea. i felt guilty. smth wasn't right. i still do a little. weird.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-17

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to my dream come true. for some ppl that might seem like nothing, but in 4 days i will be playing some fine tunes for some fine songs. and that is going to be the biggest thing for me in my viola career by far.

what concerns the rest of my life, i am doing very fine. there are some downs but there are mostly ups. once again, in the end everything comes down to the attitude towards things/people/myself. surprisingly enough, i still feel like myself. in a good way.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-14

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