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moments to share, moments to care

feels like a long time since i wrote anything last time.
at the same time i've realized that so many ppl know about this blog that i got to be careful of what i'm writing down. from one side, nothing has happen. i feel quite empty inside. no feelings. no pain. no joy. atm it feels like i'm going through the motions. just existing. filling space and time. blank.
so i'm working out. that is the one way i can make myself feel alive.

load. pain. cold. need them in big amounts to feel i'm worthy.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-23

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i have thought a lot and come to conclusion that the trip as shitty as it was, gave me the piece of mind and the calm feeling in my heart that i needed despite all the depressing notions and events.

however. i did everything what i could do. there is nothing more in my power to do to change things. and in 20 years i will not ask myself: "what if?" because i did everything and nothing depends on me anymore.

i appreciate the one true friend and the three wonderful families which i know i can always trust on. and i appreciate Örjan though i can't categorize him. not that bad in the end.

i appreciate my friends here. now even more than ever. they see me as this little spoiled brat, princess, annoying person that is always using others just to please her wishes, mostly late, way too honest and way too demanding. but they love me for who i am. and they know ill be always there for them. no conflicts. no anger. no arguments.

when i lived in swe there were two guys that had this amazing friendship - we...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-20

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so my visit to swe deserves attention to be paid.
not like i am in the state to actually write anything but senseless.
those 2 days were the unhappiest in the entire year. i rather go to china where i don't know anyone but hence i don't have to face the deception and get my illusions destroyed.

yes, i am naive. and having way too much faith in people. but i like that. like those are the few qualities that prove me not being a selfish egoistic person. but that i keep stepping on the same rakes all over again for 4 years, i mean seriously, i must be an idiot.

and then there is another heart breaking factor.
end of fooling myself and beginning of living in reality would be the foundation.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-17

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is what i'm doing. really want to enjoy the time i got left here. and it is amazing. love it.

p.s. what the hell is wrong with gals who simply refuse to say what they're upset about, instead they just get annoying with this you-should-know-why-i-ain't-talkin-to-you attitude and that so pisses me off. ffs, yell, argue, be mad, break things, whatever, just get the anger out! what am i supposed to do when they do that? like go an apologize? yeah right, if you actually care that much to go an apologize, then, yes, only then the word floods are not to be stopped. yes, then they start yelling and being all such victims. and if yelling is where it's going anyway, why gals can't just start with it? would make things a lot easier and skip the "i'm sorry, but i get the vibe you're mad at me. is there something i've done?" part. ush. gotta get thicker skin and care less.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-11

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lately i have been living for 110%. like the saying "live each day as if it was the last, because one day really will" gets an entirely new meaning. when i think about it, i'd have no regrets or what so ever about my life. i feel blessed. i feel special. and there is nothing i can complain about, which hopelessly makes my blog boring.

here's the picture:
evening, you watch the snowflakes falling, holding a glass of good old whiskey, a cigarette, breathe in deeply. got good music, good coy. and you feel alive. feel the somehow pleasurable pain in the muscles, that actually makes you feel alive; the mist in your too-little-sleep-once-again-damn-it head. joking in a way only damn good friends joke. feeling close. feeling safe. just taking the most from life. enjoying.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-09

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usually my best ideas strike me in the bathroom or shower. and if i'm lucky independently from the previous fact, i can solve a problem/situation or i see the reasoning for something that has happened a long time ago very clearly even though i might have been very dissatisfied with it at that time.

anyhow. putting these both together - i came down to a conclusion that everything happens for a reason. this i am saying because for a long time i used to blame myself for breaking up with the swedish/bosnian guy. but the truth is, i was idealizing him too much to see what really happened at that time. first of all, apparently i wasn't happy in the relationship. the entire summer sucked for me big time. like BIG time. i remember drinking a lot in the evenings to prevent from freaking out in the nights. but he never really got me. he never understood my loneliness. nor any other of my feelings.
the break up was logical. of course i wanted out. away. whatever makes that shit end. it took way too much emotions...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-06

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before my head hit the pillow last night, i was amazed of how awesome my day was yesterday. somehow, i wake up with moral hangover. not that i did anything. or did i? anyhow, i am disappointed in myself. apparently something is wrong, else i wouldn't feel this dissatisfied.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-06

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so the past days have been different. really amazing, full of surprises and unexpected events. i have been enjoying.
we went to pick up a lot of things in the neighborhood and went to my grandma's grave which was very nice. i miss her and my other grandma. feels like the time has been stolen from me and visiting them there is the only way of me showing the appreciation.

then again. new year's eve turned out a little wilder than expected. some people showed up unexpected, starting with the guy who is hopelessly in love with me and ending with my dad. i still don't know which one gave me more headache. or was it that unfortunately both previous persons interacted with each other WHICH was an event i never even had in my worst nightmares. damn. well. i guess no harm done in the end. just that the latter thinks that the former is a kind guy with absolutely no self respect what so ever and that i am simply too much fire for him (sweet said, btw).

i went to church after the magical 00.00. it was magical as...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-01

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