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moments to share, moments to care

feels like newly gained freedom. and no idea what to do with it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-18

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many years (as far as i can remember) i have been living in fear. the first 15 years this fear was rational, casued by the behavior of my own family.

i’m not 15 anymore, but fear became a pattern of behavior. fear of loosing someone expressed itself either as an attack (mean comments, sarcastic jokes, pretense of dislike, etc.) or as running away (who wants to stay on a sinking ship).

it seemed like this can be avoided only in one way – by controlling the situation. when in a relationship, i had to stay in control at all times. i couldn’t allow things to become too good, since that would mean letting go, forgetting about everything, enjoying, and miss that something bad is happening meanwhile.

if i would screw up with an overly big dose of control, i could compose myself quickly and take a few steps back to fix the situation and let the person breathe a little.

 

i have felt safe in a relationship twice – the first time when I had 100% control over the guy (and i hated it), the second...

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-11

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lately i've been thinking of the reasons why older men pick younger women (and vice versa).

with that i don't mean the cliche middle age crisis - a man wants a new trophy, doesn't want to mature and picks an equal, wants to avoid building a family and settling down, etc., etc.

i mean men, who are mature, who for one or another reason have chosen their path, and have found someone pure, unscarred, teachable, trusting, perfect. someone who also wants to follow this new path of maturity.

i've seen this in action with several men i know - at some point they have made a deccision to change their life radically, while their significant other has grown trired of life, cynical of surroundings, uneager to make an effort for a change, lost belief in change or hasn't experienced anything that would trigger such spark.

it makes sense that these people find their separate ways.

let's say the relationship then has a crisis. if a man finds a younger woman, who is still full of joy and happiness, who hasn't...

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-05

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love makes us blind.
so does resentment.
so does anger.
so does desperation.
so does fear.

pick you card.
and buckle up (or is is - steal the last glimpse of reality), it's gonna be a bumpy ride regardless.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-06-28

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its been almost a month since my last entry. have had 3 beers since then. might have overreacted about the issue, but since my body (and wallet) are thankful for this, might as well continue staying away from it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-06-13

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i have a drinking problem.

i don't recognize myself anymore.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-05-17

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the most loyal followers of these lines might have noticed that to a certain extent a personality struggle has been intertwining throughout the years. always something to improve, always something to change.
looking back it seems that sometimes this battle has been slightly chaotic with a low ratio of efficiency. it has lacked structure and guidance, and that might be one of the explanation why some of the things have been re-learned repeatedly (or never really acquired at all).

despite the positive aspects, there is one huge flaw always following like a shadow: usually showing it's ugly face in the brightest moments, spoiling them mercilessly, and this trait is immaturity.

so there it is - a personal declaration of war on immaturity.
here are the few steps i have set to win the war:
1. don't be a bully - verbal, social or physical - cut the inappropriate comments and hiding behind the argument of being "honest" (this reminds me, i should take my own advice sometimes)
2. avoid gossip, rumors, and...

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-05-05

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sometimes i surprise myself.
another goal achieved.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-04-19

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