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moments to share, moments to care

it is very annoying to wake up in the morning and find out that the feeling of suckness is still there.

it is a morning so i cannot choose to go end the day now.
it is a working day so i cannot stay longer in bed or give to any other pampering that the child within me wants.
head hurts. since i quit smoking, my jaw and temples hurt whenever i suppress my feelings since i don't give in to impulsive behavior that is addictive, compulsive, self destructive or irresponsible - the spontaneous expression of feelings i used to give in. now i know the consequences of that. but i also know the consequences of denial - pretending i don't feel anything and then exploding at any given moment.

so the pain in the temples and jaw for now is a good middle road - it reminds me there is an issue i need to take my time and deal with. it is not something i can ignore, and given time the pain just gets more annoying. i cannot act out. i don't want to. but the healthy way here is to be honest to myself, talk to the...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-10

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today sucks. not the events. not the people. nothing in particular. yet it sucks. everything sucks. i suck.

sometimes i am tired of the progress not being fast enough. tired what a sick person i am and how slowly the recovery is going.
once a friend said he was stuck in the interstage - he couldn't go back, but it was unclear where to move forward.

i cannot move back to the unhealthy behaviors. i've admitted the illnesses. i've been shown the tools. but sometimes i cannot move forward fast enough and i want to fuck it all and "get drunk" on the bad behaviors. control the shit out of someone and let the whole drama loose, but i physically can't. i can't manipulate someone, instead i want to start laughing about how ridiculous the idea seems. yeah yeah little hitler. i cant use my sexuality for favors, it is beneath me. i can't blame anyone because i know it's no ones fault. i want to complain, but it won't help. today i even tried, but i don't believe my own efforts. and i know the moral hangover...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-09

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however far the road has taken, and a new life started, i must evaluate my actions and flaws on a continuous basis. not only too keep sobriety but also to live a higher quality life. each evening consists of evaluating situations to avoid waking up in emotional hangover.

when dealing with the past and resentments, i was once asked a very valuable question: how is it beneficial to you to keep it? - the natural response was - it's not! it's a pain in the ass, but i'm the victim here!
looking closer, the resentment was beneficial in one way or another. keeping resentment justified being rude towards the person in return (because he/she hurt me!), it justified keeping the victim's role (oh, me, poor thing), it justified keeping pride and "imaginary power card" that could be played at any time. as much as thinking of resentment as a painful thing, it was in the end, mind games of the ego. understanding this, really helped me let go of resentments.

unfortunately there are still so many unpleasant traits,...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-03

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the first intro chapter to this should be "living with an alcoholic".

i've often thought about this. how difficult it must be for the people living with alcoholics, before the latter can admit the issue. see, alcohol is tricky already at a medical level. it controls the parts of the brains that are responsible for behavior, impulses and decisions. if a person is impulsive and suffers from dysfunctional behavior (such as myself), this multiplies by a 100. the alcoholic is neither aware of nor able to control this. just waking up next morning, suffering a physical hangover (in the beginning), and an emotional one, trying to do any damage control.
i feel deep compassion for people living with alcoholics especially women who depend on their alcoholic husband, need to take over their role and raise and protect children as well. sooner or later the whole family becomes neurotic, constantly living in an environment steered by booze.
addition: an alcoholic with his/her behavior can really trigger and pull out...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-03

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Applying all the obtained knowledge in reality is not always easy. Sometimes it feels like I've learned to play the basic scales but being in intense situations feels like a forced Beethoven's symphony in front of a million people. Going through the basic scales again and again helps. Meetings help. Listening to others help.

Now, feeling confident in sobriety, I wanted to apply the same principles to my eating disorder as with alcohol. Admit powerlessness and let God, as I understand him, take over. Struggles, struggles, although at one point 17 days of "food sobriety" were achieved. Thinking of myself as a tool in God's hands obliged me to take care of myself.
So a month ago I was diagnosed anorexia. The doctor must be incompetent! - Was the first thought - I was having bulimic struggles every day.

But today it hit me. With the inner child growing and revisiting childhood without resentment and through a new filter, I was still anorexic. The teenage pattern was there, black on white.

I was...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-02

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Mildly schizophrenic, but time and working has shown there is both an inner child and a parent in me. The child had been suppressed and stuck in development, throwing tantrums and breaking everything once it got out, covered by the critical and controlling parent hiding behind self righteousness and fear.
It was difficult to release the child and be less critical and more loving parent. In the beginning the child acted out as an elefant in a china store, it was scary to let that happen just like that, without waiting when outside situations or people would "push" me towards it. But this time the parent acted differently, drawing healthy boundaries and letting the child tire himself from the tantrums.

The parent became more and more loving, the child became calmer and calmer. The more child realised that being sad, angry, tired, disappointed, making mistakes was ok, that he wasn't going to be punished by the critical parent, the greater harmony developed between the child and the parent.

The practical...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-02

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the well founded steps were working in the right order. the strong understanding of boundaries and uncontrollable things, leaving life up to Higher Power, moral inventory and a real, clear picture of oneself and life ahead made a logical continuance to relations with others.

some apologies i've made and some are still to come, but i wanted to share the strongest experience i've had and believe nothing will trump it.

my mother.

the last months have helped me stop denying and hating the part of me that is like her, but accept and handle it, feel compassion towards those characteristics. time has also helped me build boundaries. understanding we cannot influence how others react, what they say. and accept my shortcomings and truthfully want to recover.

i wasn't nervous about meeting her. the feeling i could describe it best was silence - there was silence inside of me. everything happening was going through the new filter and often it took time to understand how i actually feel about anything since...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-23

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only now i realize the magnitude of the harm i've caused to others, hiding in the victim's role.
and there is lots of it.
it wasn't hard to list all the people i've harmed, nor to admit those harms to myself and God.

i hope they can forgive me.
i have forgiven myself, willing to ask for forgiveness and make amends where it is possible and causes no additional harm.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-19

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