moments to share, moments to care
there is love that is the "hard love" - it teaches us lessons about who we are and how we need or want to be loved.
i had that an i've learned more about myself in the past years than i have in what seems a lifetime. there are many lessons i will take on in the future and many things to change about myself in the time to come.
1) cut the male friends. i grew up as a tomboy, the lack of boobs and girlfriends made me the perfect football partner in the yard until the age of 14. i've always felt comfortable around boys, but i never noticed hot hurtful it can be to my partner. i still want to have intelligent and fun conversations, without the charmed smiles, flirty remarks and being inappropriately close. that's just immature. i will never hurt my significant other with this.
2) building confidence. i've been relying on other people's opinion of who i am and spending way too little time on my own with my own interests and hobbies. sometimes it seems i've done things only to impress others and keep...
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moving from one romance to the next in the past has eliminated the factor of having a real break up. time which is used to reflect on one's actions, decisions and situations. just new distractions and the same pattern goes on and on, since there has been no analysis of ones mistakes.
now i have the time to reflect not on one, but on all of the break ups i've had over years, including the ones implying losing friends, and man, they have piled up. they make me remember of really great people i've had in my life and have neglected for one or another reason.
i still don't understand what have i done to have deserved so many amazing people in my life. i don't feel worthy of all the care, attention and time they have invested in being around me. i never have, and subconsciously i've driven them away from me, knowing that nothing that good can last.
at the same time it feels like everything i touch turns to dust, and the harsh story of my life is, that the people from my past still care for me but...
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for quite a while now i've been gradually changing into a worse and worse version of myself.
i used to be an independent woman who never allowed herself depending on anyone. doing all by myself. i became one of the neediest people on the planet.
i was positive and naive, believed in the best in people, deeply knowing that no man is bad per se, just acting out because he is being unhappy, but then i became suspicious and cynical of everyone, making assumptions and disbelieving even when proven wrong.
i was positive, always appreciating the amazing things in life, grateful and proud of my friends, thinking everything is perfect and nothing is unsolvable. i was thankful to God and did not understand, what have i possibly done to deserve this happiness. then i started complaining. hating my life. hating myself. and it never stopped.
i used to take great care of myself, my body, mind, ambitions, set goals and achieve them without a doubt. i had self discipline and principles i never overstepped. i...
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a state where two people who deeply love each other live in fear of that the other might do to them.
i tried my best to make things up. i failed.
a great love it was. no regrets. i'm grateful there was a time in my life i felt so alive.
and so home.
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