moments to share, moments to care
i have always been aware of the urge to stay in control. of everything. mainly it is because i had to take care of myself quite early in life, plus the aspect that no one will ever fight for your well being (though, the love from my friends has proven to be immense).
it turns out, not only need i stay in control, i'm a control freak! i have a feeling that as soon as i will let go of the control, i will lose everything. i will lose my job, if i actually listen to doctors and take of 3 (!!!) months of work because of a half paralyzed face. could use this time to write my thesis, take care of my body (no gym, ofc), and cook for my bf. but no, for some reason i'm having a panic attack because i can't do accounting!
i have a feeling my boss will see me as replaceable and.. well.. fire me.
i have a feeling my boyfriend might see me as replaceable and well.. replace me.
everyone can be replaced, can't they?
i wish i could just let go of the control. cuz whether you get replaced or not, being in...
Visa hela (2 kommentarer)
the good thing about being in hospital (aside from the fact that your friends bring you candy and journals to keep you entertained) is being reminded that your body is your only tool and it's pretty darn important to take care of it. not dieting and hating it. but keeping it in shape, loving it, letting it rest, giving it challenges, and just treating it well. it really pays off. yes, that does not guarantee a health forever. there are always accidents, genetic diseases, everything can happen. but at least you can eliminate the factors you are responsible for.
generally i am aware that smth must be changed. i've given up meat since new year (unless it comes from a certified local farmer), but what concerns the rest, i just really need that kick in the arse, visualize the goal and the reasons, why should i give up the comfort for a bit harder work and some changes. yes, i used to be obsessed with healthy things, but work, master's in the evenings, stress, alcohol took it's toll and has made me want to...
Visa hela (0 kommentarer)
how can a person change when the ppl around him don't accept this?
the more i think about my past behavior, the more i understand how ppl saw me. i hope that the thought i have now is not about being liked by others for no reason. rather how much damage have i caused for no reason.
one thing is clear, because of the background, the tendency to perceive every action as a potential threat is doubtless. this has resulted in a compulsive need to protect myself, to draw boundries, to be clear about what is not ok.
i have been lucky to have dated some of the nicest guys i know. i would even call them The Guys, because those are the guys every girl would wanna end up with - handsome, sweet, caring, trustworthy, good sense of humor, tender, polite. but instead of seeing this as a chance to get to know an awesome person, i've been trying to protect myself from getting hurt, thus hurting everyone around me. so idiotic, so unable to see the big picture!
i see now others treating these guys well and i wonder...
Visa hela (3 kommentarer)
came to a revelation today.
for years i thought that the tough relationship to my mother dearest was the reason i was such a sarcastic and cynic person, so little tolerating other mistakes.
turns out, it is my dad who has unwillingly taught me that. whenever entrusted a painful, awkward situation, an argument, a fight, dad has been the one to say "well life simply is like that, you gotta accept it". when he built a new family, excluding me from it, it was just another thing. "you gotta accept that now your dad has a new family with no space for you there".
acceptance is good once one gets to it. some things i have never learned to accept, which is bad for me. i recall a quote from dr house that the five phases of getting over smth are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. i have been putting obstacles in my own healing by not fully accepting a situation. clinging to the unfairness of a situation. for what it's worth, it's getting easier.
Visa hela (0 kommentarer)
it is simply amazing that i have been able to keep writing these resolutions, 5th year in a row now. this has been one of the best years, with amazing people, events. there have been heavy mistakes leading to amazing lectures. there have been simple people discovering outrageous truths for me.
so first looking back to things done this year:
have been lucky to have travelled a lot this year.
run half-marathon - check!
learn russian in a level i don't embarrass myself in public - mission still in progress
make 4 weeks without alcohol - check!
write a short story - didn't even rembmer i wished for this, but in that case - posponed
print all my fave photographies - check! more to print this year :)
i have also learned to perceive things easier, to work more on relations instead of giving the shitty "well i don't need you anyway" attitude. people aren't morons. i've been blessed with my bf who is the most awesome person i know, every day he teaches me patience, humility, and simply, how to be nice....
Visa hela (2 kommentarer)