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moments to share, moments to care

stop trying to be interesting.
start being interested.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-01

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i hope this will be the last entry of that mind blowing book. i'm not even half way there, but it keeps blowing my mind.

"Let us try to translate the most famous line of American Declaration of Independence into biological terms:

We hold there truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

According to the science of biology, people were not "created". They have evolved. And they certainly did not evolve to be "equal". The idea of equality is inextricably intertwined with the idea of creation. The Americans got the idea of equality from Christianity which argues that every person has a divinely created soul, and that all souls are equal before God. However, if we do not believe in the Christian myths about God, creating and souls, what does it mean that all people are "equal"? Evolution is based on difference, not on equality. Every person carries a...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-31

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still a mind blowing book, so it must be continued.

how the success of a species is measured by the number of dna specimens and not level of happiness (thus, miserable cattle this very moment is a more successful species than an almost extinct happy species somewhere in madagascar living free (just like a company's success is measured by numbers, not by the happiness of their employees - yes, yes, yes, there is a voice from the past saying "the more zeroes there are in the contract the better").
how the complainers and criers were eliminated fast, euthanized even for their own good.
how in order to tame sheep, the most curious, the most aggressive and the fastest ones were killed first, when one needed an obedient flock.

how the humans made a slight miscalculations and from free and healthy species we were domesticated by wheat, an seemingly insignificant plant that became the king of everything.

this and more also helped me solve a situation at work where my employee openly threatened to leave...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-29

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by Yuval Noah Harari

mind blowing book. mind blowing.
it confirms the ideas i've had forever and before.

i cannot even start to quote it, but basically everything is in our heads. homo sapiens in the only species that believes in 10 things they haven't seen, heard or experienced before breakfast. it is the only specie that survives because of gossip. where large groups can agree on believing the same imaginary thing and act on it. how to completely strange specimens can get along instantly by agreeing on "values", "borders", "laws" - something existing only in their minds.
how one thinks you are naive but then those are just different "realities" people live in, and people with similar realities sell their idea and if it is beneficial enough or sticky enough, it takes over the world.

how we live our every day in our heads, basing out trust in things that don't exist.

i can only read it 5-10 pages at the time, since it is that deep, but it will shake the ground you're standing on...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-26

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adult children are used to a very high stress level. living in constant dysfunction and drama makes it our natural habitat. first 18 years of our lives we spend in humiliation - that is when our personality is formed. our parents often told us we were not not good enough - even when we had achieved a level that was higher than average.

now being sober i try to avoid stress and drama at all costs. my life has become quite calm. it will take at least another year to feel stable, but now, looking back, i see clearly how i was drawn to drama, closing my eyes and jumping into events, acting without thinking. there is a way out though, and it starts with some very basic things. good sleep. good food. breathing exercises, walks, nature. reading. listening to music. those are simple but healing things. when thinking what last 12 months have consisted of, it is surprising i'm alive.

anything to stay calm and carry on.
i no longer seek excitement. i only seek peace.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-25

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for many years i had been playing the victim.
but now, the first step would mean for me to admit i was powerless to the effects of family dysfunction, and i misunderstood it as stepping back to the role of a victim which i refused to do.
however the effects cannot be handled til i admit them.
a fine line between playing a victim (being helpless) and admitting the flaws (being powerless).
a fine line between using the situation as an excuse to pull bs and admitting the facts and dealing with them.

it was also difficult to admit i suffer from depression (and have for over 8 years at least). i see many happy people, dancing in their lives, and i want to jump along with them with both legs broken. i see other people with broken legs and look at them with disgust, since they remind me how broken i am myself. i want to point out their flaws so i don't have to deal with my own. i want to pretend, but the more i do, the more it hurts.

i wanted to be perfect fast. i was sober - why wasn't sobriety enough...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-24

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of not working the steps.

i've always wondered when hearing that people tend to fall off the wagon right after hitting a sobriety anniversary. i felt it so clearly yesterday. it is all due to unresolved feelings and lack of work with the program, expecting a miracle.

one more week and it will happen, 3 more days, tomorrow..
but the miracle never arrives, because there is no miracle.
it is a simple 24 hour day by day kind of a deal. no more, no less.
it works if you work it.

so today i let it all out. i felt like shit, but everything that had been gathered up, just had to get out.
it hurt like hell.
i'm glad it didn't cost me sobriety, but it was a high price to pay none the less.

these 24 hours are over.
tomorrow is a new day.

i pray tomorrow is a better day.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-22

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tonight is my 5 month sobriety anniversary.

tonight was also special night. there have been many random thoughts over the past weeks, many weird events, many feelings. i've often made these entries carefully, trying to make myself look good, thinking about the many people who might read it.
today i'm tired of it. i'm not only the flaws showed over the past months revealing through the steps. i'm also really great and talented, funny and caring, intelligent and gentle. good looking. creative. dedicated. my true confidence (not the huge ego mask) is finally starting to show, and it's a great foundation.

tonight i went to a concert that made me feel. i hadn't felt something like that for a very long time. during sobriety up to today, feelings have been something to be handled with caution and never to be followed spontaneously as they come, good or bad, to avoid falling into extremes or acting on the first thought. but beat by beat, the music seduced me, awaking deeper and deeper longing and awakening,...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-20

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