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moments to share, moments to care

happy 5 months

tonight is my 5 month sobriety anniversary.

tonight was also special night. there have been many random thoughts over the past weeks, many weird events, many feelings. i've often made these entries carefully, trying to make myself look good, thinking about the many people who might read it.
today i'm tired of it. i'm not only the flaws showed over the past months revealing through the steps. i'm also really great and talented, funny and caring, intelligent and gentle. good looking. creative. dedicated. my true confidence (not the huge ego mask) is finally starting to show, and it's a great foundation.

tonight i went to a concert that made me feel. i hadn't felt something like that for a very long time. during sobriety up to today, feelings have been something to be handled with caution and never to be followed spontaneously as they come, good or bad, to avoid falling into extremes or acting on the first thought. but beat by beat, the music seduced me, awaking deeper and deeper longing and awakening, joy and something divine.

five months. amazing months. last week i received an email saying i was the employee of the month. the first reaction was to close it and pretend it wasn't there or didn't mean anything. however, there was no reason for it. it was a great honor indeed, and when the thought stopped being so scary, i could only feel deep gratitude towards my employer, and then another wave of humble gratitude - it felt like the whole Fellowship and God, as I understand him, were behind me, protecting me. this honor wasn't mine alone. it was earned with hard work, one day at the time, together with my fellows and sponsor.

last week i also received an email from my mother containing a letter i wrote to her as a 14 year old child, begging for forgiveness for being a bad child - along with her apology for it. the second case when i closed it and pretended it wasn't there. as an alcoholic i cannot afford to react on the smallest emotion as it comes. i gave this a thought and after swallowing the sadness and disgust for the emotions that my original letter brought up, i realized, i genuinely hold no resentment. the apology no longer changed anything, since i was in peace with the past. neither did i feel superiority, because it must have been hard for her to come to that conclusion. it felt like it was another step in her own journey, and i could only accept the apology, thank her and let her continue her way.

during the past months have been weird due to being single and sober - this is the first time since teenage years. so many times in my life i had started the relationship for the wrong reasons or under the influence of alcohol, acting out on spontaneous urges or the thrill of the game. however, even this shouldn't be made trivial, because there have been great people in my life that i am thankful for. i can only ask God that when the time is right, for the right reasons, there will be someone for me.

the last months have been also great because i read again. a lot. and write. and play viola. and work out. and eat healthily. and listen to music. i don't really feel lonely, there is always something going on or something to do. even when there isn't, it is a great change and opportunity rather than a feared event although sometimes it would be nice not having to fall asleep alone.

i feel gratitude, humility and patience.
i feel peace and confidence.
i feel hope.

and today and for all the days to come:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-20 23:19

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