moments to share, moments to care
sandw ich stories
i had a bad feeling as well as a good one when my stay here was extended.
i don't feel like going home. what is a home really - a set location, place with assumptions and expectations? no no, we all have heard the good ol song - home is where your heart is.
i don't want to return to the place where i feel like an outcast. for the past months i've been working my ass off to be nice, polite, cute, composed, patient, silent. i'm so tired of trying to be a person i'm not. cuz however hard i try, there are much happier assholes, content with being assholes.
for a while i thought of myself being mature and acted accordingly. and then i imagined aiming a bullet right in my temples.
in the past weeks, i have played computer games, watched my sci-fi stuff, laughed at louis ck jokes, got asked out (that is such an awesome feeling), and all of this stuff i did with people who have my sense of humor, who don't expect me to be skinny, who don't mind me burping, making shameless jokes and having cynic attitude. god how i miss that part of myself.
yes, if a person likes singin, he can sing all he wants within reasonable measures. but having someone singing along, well that's just makes life worth living.
i don't wanna go home and fill someones expectations of a sweet, pretty, calm housewife.
i'm not that person. though i can be loving. i can be plenty of sweet. and when i try harder, i can ever manage to be pretty at times.
i miss carl. i miss what i used to have with him and the other guy, how he made me feel about myself. i miss how he tolerated my crazy act outs, how he would be plain honest and never sugar coating stuff. but always adding some edgy joke.
that part is irreversibly over, we are different now. let's not be fools living in how it could have been or how it was. the grass should be green on this side after all.
i'm so afraid to be THAT person, but a bit more sane. i'm afraid he won't understand. but it's me i gotta live with for the rest of my life.
Skrivet av arlona, 2012-10-05 23:37
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