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moments to share, moments to care

this blog server will be shut down in 5 days.

for me, it is an end of an era. i have spent the past 10 years here, describing my life, events, people, experiences, thoughts, hopes, resentments, problems and solutions. this place was the deep dark corner of my life - showing the difficult struggles and finally - a way out of them.

as i believe that God puts things into perspective, this is what is supposed to happen. maybe some of you will finally say goodbye to me. maybe some of you will have a reason to contact me in person. in a way it is a relief, since these entries have been very intimate and exposed my deepest emotions and some of the entries reached almost 8000 views, leaving me perplexed and feeling naked.

i will still write. writing is therapeutic. in a way, writing is who i am.

thank you for being the best audience a person can wish for.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-15

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although the entries here are sometimes dramatic, sad and deep, my life has improved greatly.
i honestly feel amazing.

one of the things i really wished for in my life was the ability to talk to everyone in my life equally - to my parents, managers, friends - more and more often i notice exactly that. there are no more ironic, sarcastic, smug, arrogant, complainant remarks from my side. either something is useful and i obtain it, or it is not, and i let it pass.

rather share ideas, notions, values, experiences. listen more.
i'm really proud of myself. what i have become. for the people that are next to me. for the steps i'm taking. for the peace, inspiration, motivation, dedication within me. for ability to separate useful from the odd.
for the ability to take situations rationally, without getting into drama, blaming, looking down, assuming. being able to have self-respect. joy. and starting to take things easier and myself - less seriously.

life is playful. life is fun. life is great.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-15

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the most important ethical task of your life is to deal with your own shadow, and not make others responsible for it. otherwise you'll always harm and blame others. this is something you must do on your own. if you fail to do this, if you fail to admit it for what it is, and give it the place it deserves - you will always be unjust towards others, seeing your own shadow in them. the villains, the threats will be out there. the ones to blame will be out there - in them you will see your own shadow, unable to see the evil within you. and until the day you recognize the shadow in yourself it will lead your life and you will call it your destiny.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-13

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the more i tried to fight it and pretend i'm fine, the worse it got.
i'm fully depressed. it doesn't mean what it used to 6 months ago. it doesn't mean angry at myself or the world, it doesn't mean crying out of desperation although i cry, it doesn't mean being a victim, being hurt, forcing myself or hating.
it means that for now i give up, i have no more power to pretend, to fight, to put up masks, to do smth others want me to. but neither do i have any power to do what i want either. the best i can do is let myself alone in a loving way. sleep. sleep some more. sleep while working. risk losing friendships due to sleeping, crying or avoiding places i don't want to be in.
as ironic as it is, this is actually one of the rare times i am being selfishly loving towards myself without it being on the cost of others. i'm ready to give up everyone and everything as long as i can rest as much as needed and do only what i want to do.

i am also very grateful to everyone who doesn't resent me, and what is even...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-08

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one of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. in denial, there is bliss. in anger, there is some sense of power. in bargaining, i am thrown between believing there is something i can do to change things and realizing there isn't.

if i will do this, that will happen.
if i will be better, smarter, more dedicated, this and that will happen.
if i will be perfect, someone might love me.

i do big, small, and all kinds of things, sometimes crazy things to avoid the pain involved with accepting reality. there is no substitute for accepting reality.
recognizing the bargaining phase is already a step in the right direction.

today, i pray i can let go and accept the reality as inconvenient as i find it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-06

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what i believed to be my biggest flaws to be shamed about might turn into my greatest power once i admit and embrace them.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-03

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a musical orgasm.
and another one.
and another one.

finally i can feel again.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-01

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they say "never push loyal employees to the point they don't care"

generally i agree.
but the question is who or what are the employees loyal to?
i've seen so many of them being loyal to their safe seat where they don't have to do anything for years, and then changes come, they are asked to change along, change their tasks, adapt to new technology and that's when they are no longer loyal.
i've heard quotes such as "how dare you, i've been in this company for 15 years!"
are they really loyal to the company, wanting to spend their time, adapt to changes, do what is necessary to grow, improve? or do they want things to stay the same for many years to come, as long as the employee keeps getting paid?

we live in a rapid time where change is like a huge wave of tsunami, strong and inevitable - things change, the world changes and if we don't embrace this change, initiate it, create it or at least admit it, we will be flushed away in a second.

so before you hang out your loyalty flag, think again....

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-01

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